Sexual healing is a return to safety and congruency. All healing is a return to balance. So often we think of healing as trying to fix what is wrong with us, with someone else, with the world, and with our sex life but it is exhausting to run around fixing because the world is in constant flux. We can’t fix anything; healing comes from source. Still the word “fix” is a misnomer because even our wounds are perfect expressions of the divine. There ultimately is nothing to fix because chaos reigns supreme and there will be a new problem tomorrow. Nowhere is this truer than in romantic and sexual relationships which is why I always ere on the side of couples staying together instead of trying to “fix” things by calling it quits in order to find a better sexual partner. When we switch sexual partners, we usually get similar lessons in different packaging. Obviously, some relationships and some marriages need to end, still it is important for people to understand that without addressing the core symptomatology in a failed relationship they will very likely find themselves in a similar hole.

I remember reading that part of learning to walk is learning to fall; this is a fantastic analogy for our need to continually seek balance in our relationships. Balance is a relative of volition and movement; how we go about the day-to-day. We all get out of balance; yesterday, I was tired but today I am energized. Balancing acts in sexual and romantic relationships are tricky because we choose people that habituate the familiar for us. If we had a mother that was critical, being criticized will be normalized and feel like love.

Part of healing the sexual is learning how to “fall” in our relationships. We cannot just continually try and stay upright so to speak, if things are not working in our primary relationship: we need more, more sex, less sex, no sex, whatever the need is, needs to be discussed, even at the risk of disfavor, i.e. “falling”; drop expectations and stick with “I” statements.    When it comes to sexual healing “fixing” is a noose to intimacy. Only through surrender and honesty with self, is it possible to name the familiar that has grown stale sexually and emotionally; give voice to what no longer serves the relationship’s highest interests; those systemic, habituated patterns which can make communication feel like riding a bike in sand.  If your partner can’t hear it or doesn’t want to receive it, share your feelings with a mental health professional, sex therapist, or friend. Voice has the potential to move energy and if we change, invariably all of our relationships, including the sexual, will change and shift as well.

Wasting time trying to get others to change or see our point is, a waste time. Using voice to understand the skin we have in the game is place to start when frustrations get amped up with an unresponsive lover.

As a therapist I often hear from clients that they have done talk therapy and found it wanting, a subpar dead-end to lasting change. Unfortunately, like stitching a seam with a needle that weaves, under and over to form a stitch, sexual healing can be slow work and may require a host of interventions. This does not mean that talk therapy does not work.  When clients share from their heart of hearts with a trained healer, speak their truths, they often stumble upon a real emotional find like discovering the perfect bauble from a vintage store or a trying new restaurant that turns out to be insatiably memorable. Sharing can lead to surprise insights and sexual acting out, sexual arousal, and sexual dysfunctions show up in our lives as human beings, not to break us, but to light a new sense of what might be possible when it comes to sexual. Don’t doubt the power of your voice when it comes to sex, stand by what you know you know, even when what you know is not being reflected back to you with magnanimous gratitude or at all for that matter. Talk therapy is not just about sharing but repairing attachment wounds, soothing the central nervous system, making the unknown know, releasing secrets, and pain. When the wound is relational the healing must be relational as well.